


when i close my eyes, all the stars align

by circumstances



Category: The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Genre: Cancer, Death, Epilogue, F/M, Funeral, Infinity, Stars, TFiOS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 06:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2762753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/circumstances/pseuds/circumstances
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so afterward, six months later when my heart was almost completely made of cancer and the pacific ocean had exploded in my lungs, i retraced the way my life had been sketched out. how i knew my ending wouldn't be heroic, or worth publishing or a movie. how it would just end.  // a (very) short epilogue for hazel</p>
            </blockquote>





	when i close my eyes, all the stars align

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song 'once in a lifetime' by one direction :-)

so afterward, six months later when my heart was almost completely made of cancer and the pacific ocean had exploded in my lungs, i retraced the way my life had been sketched out. how i knew my ending wouldn't be heroic, or worth publishing or a movie. how it would just end.   
i decided that some endings weren't meant to be written. and if they're words on a page or images in a scene, strung together to make one cry or laugh, they follow one particular formula. the good guy saves the world, the guy and the girl falls in love, the mother is reunited with its child...

i mean, i love that ending just as much as the next girl. 

but that's not the truth. 

this is. 

* * * 

i didn't want a funeral. i know a funeral is a good bye, an 'i love you' and a depressing piece of poetry, but like a kiss and chocolates would suffice. maybe we could throw in some risotto, cooked in las vegas and the stars bottled up in pretty bottles and ready to go. 

and when i say we, i mean the dead. the ones who live in a paradise made of clouds, surrounded by bottles of stars and 'okays' and 'always'. then we'd look over the clouds and our eyes would burn into the infinity that once was. that we should've got more of. 

but that's okay: life is an number of days, death is a forever after. 

i gazed over the rocks and concrete that grazed over augustus waters. i can still see him, like he's smirking back up me muttering a sheepish ’okay'. the flowers were in full bloom, redder then a summer sun, the stems greener than grass. i had to fight myself to bring them here: he was gone, so what was the point? it's not like it made a difference – i still felt guilty. 

sighing, i placed them on the concrete. they instantly gathered dust, but in the light of the sun they seemed happy. i resisted the urge to cry. i never cried. not when i raise ten fingers instead of nine, or when i fell over in school and broke my wrist... or ever. 

with one last glance, i turned around and stroll off into the fog. but everything burnt for one more kiss, one more okay and one more day.   
i walked until i reached the gates, never turning back.   
not once.   
* * *   
before, when i knew that prologues started life and epilogues ended them, i decided that one day, i'd write something. i stopped after gus' euology. writing wasn't like stars. it was pained. 

my last good day was today. you weren't supposed to know that. good day's were days when you weren't afraid of dying, when you were doing 'okay'. of course, this good day isn't like that. i can see my end, the time i will stop breathing and darkness will descend and the sun won't rise.

it scared me: how i know i'll stop walking, talking and living. how my infinity will get less then it should've. how mum won't be a mum, and dad will decease to nothing. they'll be lost strays. then they'll get over it and pick up and move on. but not for them. for me. 

so i'll make it easier. leave a jar in my room with little messages for them for everyday, but even those will end. i'll ion dad's shirt for the last time, and remind mum how much i love her. and how i'm so thankful for every little star that traced paths with mine. 

tonight, when my parents run me to the ER saying my lungs are filling with water and i'm going to die, i will. and they'll know that.  
then i'll be with gus, and my epilogue will become somebody elses and life will continue to move on in the way that one sun rises and another sets, but life goes on.   
with or without me.


End file.
